The Transformational Qualities of an Empathy Circle
Speaker: Arnold Jaffe (15 min)
Bio: Arno Jaffe has lived in Santa Barbara 47 years and is an Empathy Circle Trainer
Abstract: Empathy Circles allow through reflected listening the speaker to go deeper than seemed possible. By sharing what is alive for them and hearing it reflected back they see things in a different way and clear light.
Arno Jaffe, an empathy circle facilitator in Santa Barbara, shared his experiences and insights on the transformative power of empathy circles. He highlighted his journey from being a business attorney to practicing empathy, influenced by Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and his son's addiction struggles. Jaffe emphasized the unique connections formed in circles, where strangers become intimate quickly, and individuals find clarity and courage in being heard without judgment. He noted the positive impact of circles on community engagement, citing examples from State Street and UCSB. Jaffe concluded by encouraging the practice of empathy in daily life.
https://otter.ai/u/aErjTAwDuwpMS8ZX_o9xHjrF3vI?view=transcript
Edwin Rutsch introduces Arno Jaffe, highlighting his 47 years in Santa Barbara and his role as an empathy circle facilitator.
Arno Jaffe expresses gratitude for the opportunity to share his experiences and acknowledges the influence of Edwin, Bill, and Lou in his facilitator training.
Arno mentions his background as a retired immigration attorney and his shift towards practicing empathy in his professional interactions.
He reflects on the realization that he was often quick to offer solutions without fully understanding his clients' needs.
Arno discusses his use of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in dealing with his son's addiction issues, emphasizing the importance of understanding feelings and needs.
He shares his personal experience of learning to listen and not immediately problem-solve, which enhanced his relationships with his clients and family.
Arno describes the transformative power of empathy circles, noting how they allow individuals to connect deeply and share intimate experiences quickly.
He highlights the unique and powerful moments of clarity and courage that arise from being heard without judgment in a circle.
Arno elaborates on the universal need to be heard and how empathy circles provide a formalized way to meet this need.
He explains how the listening process in a circle creates a unique and beneficial environment for both the speaker and the listeners.
Arno emphasizes the positive feedback from participants in Santa Barbara, who find the experience of being heard in a circle to be profound and transformative.
He shares anecdotes of taking empathy circles into the community, including a successful session with students at UCSB and a spontaneous circle with a young girl on State Street.
Arno recounts the experience of conducting empathy circles in various public settings, including State Street and UCSB, and the positive reactions from participants.
He describes how students at UCSB opened up about topics like loneliness, homesickness, and stress, often leading to emotional responses.
Arno reflects on how empathy circles serve as a platform for discussing topics that are often difficult to bring up in other contexts.
He emphasizes the role of silent listeners in maintaining the integrity and effectiveness of the circle, highlighting their importance in creating a supportive environment.
Arno praises the silent listeners for their crucial role in holding the circle and providing a space for deep listening and connection.
He reflects on the personal growth that comes from being a silent listener, including the ability to give and receive love through attentive listening.
Arno shares a personal story of using reflective listening with his son, which led to a significant improvement in their communication and relationship.
He discusses the importance of practicing empathy outside of formal circles, using examples of how he has integrated these skills into his daily life.
Arno emphasizes the positive impact of empathy circles on participants' well-being, noting that they always leave feeling better.
He describes the indescribable yet real sense of fulfillment that comes from being part of an empathy circle.
Arno highlights the give-and-give nature of empathy circles, contrasting it with the give-and-take approach of traditional interactions.
He shares how empathy circles can be practiced informally, using reflective listening to enhance communication in personal and professional settings.
Arno concludes by encouraging others to experience empathy circles and witness the benefits firsthand.
He shares a story of conducting a circle with a mother and her sons, illustrating how empathy practices can resolve conflicts and improve relationships.
Arno emphasizes the importance of debriefing after empathy circles to reflect on the positive experiences and learnings.
Edwin Rutsch expresses his appreciation for Arno's moving and touching personal story, highlighting the impact of empathy circles on individuals and communities.
https://otter.ai/u/aErjTAwDuwpMS8ZX_o9xHjrF3vI?view=transcript
Edwin Rutsch
Our next speaker is Arno. Other you are, hi Arno, and a little bit about Arno is his Arno Jaffe has lived in Santa Barbara for 47 years and is an empathy circle facilitator. And you're also the organizer of the weekly empathy circles in Santa Barbara, so really appreciate all your hosting of those circles and and a good friend too. So take it away, Arno, and you're muted.
Arno
Welcome everybody. I'm really greatly appreciative for your opportunity to share and for for everything that I've heard. I'm going to be just speaking about sort of my my personal experience with empathy circle. I have a great good fortune of having taken six facilitator training sessions in Santa Barbara and having met Edwin in September of 2023 I've learned from Edwin, and I've learned from Bill and from Lou, you know the very best, And I'm really grateful for that. I'm a retired immigration attorney, and after a while, learn to practice empathy with my clients. You know, in business,
I would, somebody would come in, they, they tell me two or three sentences, and I'd already be going into I can, you know, well, you can do this, or you can do that, or you can do this, and and I realized that I wasn't giving them an opportunity to tell me a little bit about themselves, and for me to just listen and rather than go into problem solving. And that, you know, that that really helped. It's a it's a process that allowed me to give back to my clients before we really started any interactions, and that that, you know, that really helped. I also practice NVC before I started doing the empathy circles.
I had a son in his 30s who had addiction problems, and I realized that if I could get him to come back home, that I had to learn a whole new way of thinking, being, acting and doing for my son. And being able to see what are you feeling and what are you needing was much better than saying how you doing and what are you feeling and what are you needing, or at the are at the basis of what goes on in an empathy circle. What I found in my experiences here in Santa Barbara, and if I sound Woo, woo, it's because I am Woo, woo, that I hear the divine speaking through people in circles.
The everyday knowledge and wisdom and heart and hope of people comes out when they're in that when they're in that circles. And it's really, really, really powerful. People who are strangers have become intimate in the in the in the short period of time that you're that you're in a circle. And that's also, that's also powerful. You know, I learn more and feel closer to people that I'm listening to and speaking to in a in a in a circle than all the things that are happening in my normal life. And also, you know that people somehow hear things and then say things that they haven't said before when they're in a circle than they are in their regular life. And I think that speaks to the how powerful these are.
People are inspired to say things to complete strangers that they've never said, you know, before, to friends. And that's something about, you know, the circle that that there's a magic in the circle. They tap into an energy source that we all have that's that's quite extraordinary. The speaker finds clarity and courage knowing that he'll be listened to without judgment, opinion or advice. Being heard is one of the greatest universal needs that we all have in the circle provides a formalized way of being able to do that. There's something about the listening process too.
You know, in general, it stops the hamster wheel, the hamster wheel that that wants to offer an opinion, that wants to say, I'm sorry that this happened, that wants to say, Yes, this happened to me too, and simply they act of listening and not thinking about what I'm going to say next. Create something for the person that's listening and create something for the circle itself, that that only happens in a circle.
So. People who come to our circles here in Santa Barbara always look forward to coming back. That's why they come back. We're not giving them anything other than the opportunity to be heard, and they're coming for the opportunity to get to know people in a way that doesn't happen in the outside world.
My my friend Willie talks about being in the you know, out in the wild, when you're out in the wild, it's same old, same old. But when you're in a circle, you learn things and experience things that you're able to take out. People who are first timers in a circle are amazed at how quickly it is to learn. And that's, again, a beautiful thing about the circle. Once you give the introduction, you get down to experiencing having an empathy circle.
And if there are any of you out there who haven't had that experience, you know, I, I invite you to come anywhere where they're offering live circles, or anywhere where they're offering online circles, and you'll be able to see that everything I'm saying has a certain ring of truth to it. It's hands on experience. And I've, I've my own experience has been for people that are new, how it's how it's amazing, how fast people pick it up. In Santa Barbara, we took it out into the community.
We went to state we went to State Street, where most people were just too busy going back and forward on their shopping experiences. But at the end, those of us that were there sat in our own circle, and one young girl came riding up on her bicycle and said, Hmm, what are you doing here? It looks kind of interesting. And we invited her to sit down, and she participated in our empathy circle. We went to UCSB and talked to the students.
We were there at the end of the Occupy, send occupy UCSB, and we were there when we found students were probably among the most eager to talk. There are people that are talking about loneliness, homesickness, stress in school, and it often brought tears to the eyes of these students to be able to just speak and have something go out, from out, from out of them, into the world.
The idea of being able to talk about anything that's on your mind or heart is also great for me. I love topics, but I I use the I use the circle as a chance to springboard things that I haven't been able to talk to anybody about, and it's a great invitation. Things in my mind are sometimes intellectual, but things in my heart takes me to the core of what for me is the real truth about an empathy circle. And let's hear it for the silent listener.
The silent listeners hold a circle and give it meaning in a larger witness. They get to listen to everyone, and they and they get to give love by that listening, I think circles are all about love. That's just the kind of guy I am holding intention and bearing witness to the beautiful individuality of everyone, and knowing that everyone wants to be heard puts us in a place when we're out in the world, it puts us in a place of receiving and of giving, receiving all that is said and giving by doing so, receiving all that said and giving by doing so, it's pretty easy. I remember that when I was working with my son, it made my job really easy. All I had to do was listen. I didn't have to offer advice. I didn't have to agree or disagree.
I just listened and and after a while, it totally changed the communication that we have. And hearing yourself talk is a new experience for me as as it's relevant for being in a circle. When I talk, I just I just think about talking. I don't think about the pause between sentences. I don't think about what I'm really saying.
But it can be a whole new way of communicating to others when I'm hearing myself what I'm saying, and it gets me to say more and deeper and better the next times I have an opportunity to speak, and there's A process of most likely in a circle, people are more likely to speak if they're reminded in the introduction about Carl Rogers or most or Marshall Rosenberg, I found that this sometimes happen. It's a way of inviting people. It makes it feel like it's something based in psychology and history and in a knowledgeable the knowledge. Place, and there's a process of thinking about what you're going to say or not say while you're sitting in the Silent Circle. It also proves to make the quiet intensity of what we're doing so focused and so wonderful.
Arno
Something about being in a circle too is no matter what I've had in the close to 100 circles I've sat in, because it always feel better. I always feel better after I've been in the circle. That feeling is absolutely real. And I know that any of you that have been in circle know that it's true, it's undescribable, and I love the truths in my life that are indescribable but real, leading to mutual empathy as it spreads. It is a give and give process, not a give and take process.
There's no taking in an empathy circle. We can practice this outside of the formal circle. I've done this by asking people if they like to practice a little reflective listening, and I give them a brief example, and that's one of the ways that I, that I that I bring it to the outside world, to my friends, to my colleagues, my closest and closest intimates in the world. A little while back, I was asked by somebody that comes to the circles in Santa Barbara, if I do a circle with with, with her and her two sons.
What led to it was that the kids had been particularly argumentative with each other in the backseat while she was driving somewhere, and she could hear them going at it, but she didn't really know how she was going to be able to to help them deal with it. When we started the circle the boys who are 17 and 15, you know, we're just busting up, they the the fact that we were practicing speaking and listening her mom and their mom and I was something that they just found irresistibly funny.
But as they began to as they began to stop giggling, they proved to be really excellent at what they were doing and and at the end, were even able to get at the heart of what they were fighting about. One brother explained what was, what the problem was why he was so upset, and when hearing that, the other brother apologized and that and that got being in an empathy circles like Johnny Appleseed for everybody that's involved, we touch each other and we take that out into the world, because we're changed in how we how we talk and how we listen.
When we're in circles in Santa Barbara, sometimes we debrief at the end before we go back to the larger group. And that's always fun. You just sort of ask, well, you know, how was it for you? And then people will often critique in a positive way, what they've experienced in it. You know when know how great you are? That's been great. And I just conclude by saying, when life gets lifey, which it often does, practice empathy. Thank you all for listening.
Edwin Rutsch
Well. Thank you Arno, he always warms my heart just to hear you speak. It just about your personal experience. It's always so moving and so touching. So thank you for that. Thanks. Um.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai